She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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