You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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