I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
