mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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