shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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