I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
