My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
