So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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