I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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