Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
