this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
