he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
