I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
