I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
