Pants 0. Shit 1.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
