I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
