this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
