i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
