Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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