I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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