i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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