I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
