So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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