she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
