i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize