I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
