Capitaan dildo arrescate!
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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