so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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