somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize