haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
