Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
