guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
