you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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