Michael Bay diarrhea
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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