oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
