My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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