Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
