More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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