he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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