I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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