Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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