the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
