words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
