I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
