It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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