I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
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