You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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