im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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