Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We're facebook friends in real life
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
We need a shit load of segways right now
Randomize
