Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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