I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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