your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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