I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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