so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
