Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
