I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
